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We are all the same in our grief

I recently had the honor of speaking in Portland Oregon at the Rwandan Genocide Remembrance Day at Lewis & Clark College.  The Pacific Northwest Rwanda Association sponsored this important event.  Second Counselor Andrew Tusabe from the Rwandan Embassy in Washington DC was one of the speakers who talked about the challenges and success that Rwanda is having in their country. 

I am always humbled when asked to speak at such an event.  But I have learned we must each do our part no matter how small we believe it is.  Following is the text of my speech.  

 April 11, 2010

We are more alike than we are different. 

Grief is universal; laughter connects people and the decision to change the world lies within each of us.

If you wonder why a mazungu is speaking today, you are not alone.  I wonder myself.  But I am.  And so I'll share what I know - which I know is nothing compared to what many of you know.

I am here to commemorate and honor the people of Rwanda.  Those of you who are here today, and to remember those innocents who were killed, through no fault of their own.  Today, we honor those who suffered or died, more by our action than our grief. 

I just returned from my 7^th trip to Rwanda in less than five years.  I pay for these trips myself so if you ever consider donating to Itafari, know you're not paying for my seat on the plane!

If you don't know my story, I went to Rwanda because one woman asked me to come and speak about hope.  What do I know?  I know what hope can look like.  I know that healing can come over time.  That when we lose someone we love, we can choose to never let their goodness die if we choose to focus on the difference they made while they were here. 

Rwanda has changed tremendously in the five years since I've been traveling there.  There's tremendous progress, but a huge amount that's left to be done.  I was concerned on my last trip because the night before I was leaving, three grenades went off simultaneously in the city.  More innocent people were killed.  And the terrorists (my word) accomplished their goal:  to make people afraid.  And there have been more grenade attacks since.  So what can you or I do about it?  We continue on.  We don't become overwhelmed or intimidated by cowards who use violence to speak, rather than words.

You may not be able, willing or interested in getting involved in the politics of your country.  I can't blame you!  I'm not interested in becoming involved in the politics of this country.  But how you or I live our lives speaks volumes of what we truly believe. 

You're here today.  Some of you because you want to be.  Some of you may feel you should be here.  But you're here.  And this unique group of people will never be gathered again.  We represent different experiences, different attitudes, different goals, different hopes, and different dreams. 

We have different colors of skin, are of different faiths or of no faith at all.  We are men and women, boys and girls, young and old.  We have vastly different experiences.  Some of us want to talk about what is possible, others want to be silent.  Some have hope, some have lost all hope.  But what if who we are as a group, is just the group we need to be? 

The role John and I play here today is a small one.  I'm honored as always to be asked to speak.  I'm so inadequate for this job, but I do it anyway.  So know that I know I don't know much.  But I'm passionate about making a difference in the world and the part of the world that I care to make my difference is Rwanda. 

Some of the finest people I've ever met in the world are from Rwanda.  Rwanda has changed my life.  And so I do what I can to pay that forward.  To change lives as mine has been changed.

I'd like to conclude with the following thoughts:  your attitude and words have power.  Choose (and use) them wisely.  Don't wait until you're perfect to reach your goals and dreams.  Never stop believing in the goodness that is in the world.  Be vigilant in speaking out or taking action against those who would choose to tear down what is good.  Disagree with courage and respect.  Keep hold of your emotions so that you can be heard.   Know that forgiveness is for your soul, not the soul of the one that caused you or a loved one harm.  To find peace within yourself is the greatest gift you bring to the world. 

Murakoze cyane and "kora ibyiza buri munsi" -

in Kinyarwanda, "do good every day"

To read more about our work in Rwanda please go to Itafari Foundation

Accomplish the Extraordinary - will it be you?

My work in Rwanda has changed my life.   The Itafari Foundation and its work are a gift and a challenge. 

 My perspective on what is possible, the true meaning of the strength of the human spirit, my understanding of inhumanity and its consequences:   these ideas are no longer esoteric.  (Though I still know so little).  But I also clearly know that if we choose to step out, before we are “ready”, we can accomplish the extraordinary.

This morning in the New York Times Magazine, the profiles were the stories of people who died in 2009 who changed the world in one way or another.  I was reading about the passing of Alison Des Forges in February 2009 as written by Elizabeth Rubin. 

In the 1980’s  Des Forges joined Africa Watch and was one of the first to warn of the coming cataclysm in Rwanda.  Her personal friends died in Rwanda during the 1994 genocide.  While she tried to warn the U.S., the Europeans, and the U.N., her voice was faint in warning in comparison to the world’s conversation that the genocide was an African problem.   She must have suffered deeply knowing she was unable to force a world to turn and look upon its rwandan brothers and sisters. 

After the genocide she continued her work in Rwanda.  When the International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda was established, she traveled back and forth to the court in Arusha, Tanzania to serve as an expert witness and strategist for the prosecutors.  A five foot lion of a woman.  And one of whom I had not heard except in context to her book Leave None to Tell the Story:  Genocide in Rwanda – Human Rights Watch et FIDH – 1999 – ISBN 1-56432-171-1.

Her comments were equally critical of all sides, including the Rwandan Patriotic Front which overthrew the genocidal leaders and went on to establish a stronger more peaceful country.  Her criticism lead to her twice being refused entrance into the country.  I understand the reasons by the Rwandan government and yet know that the result of her work has helped Rwanda in the long run. 

The same can be said of the movie Hotel Rwanda.  It turned out (sadly) that Paul Rusesabagina was not the man portrayed in the movie, yet the movie led to a great awareness of the genocide.  The movie allowed all of us to look back on the horror that was partially created through our lack of action.  And because of that, I have no criticism of the portrayal at the time. 

So I do what I know I must do.  Take the best, and leave the rest.  Des Forges was not perfect.  The movie was unknowingly flawed in its portrayal of an ordinary man.  Yet, we cannot ignore what comes from extraordinary efforts to change the world. 

Instead of dismissing someone or something in its entirety, we should continue to have conversation.  Enlighten those who are in the dark.  Thank those who take a lonely stand.  Be thoughtful in our approach to what is foreign to us.  And know we must never give up on what we are most passionate about.  We must never believe that we can’t make a difference.  That it’s too hard.  That no one cares. 

That no one cares.  Impossible in its logic.  If you care, that is enough.

I enter 2010 with a renewed sense of what is possible.  2009 was a very tough year.  I was unable to go to my beloved Rwanda.   Yet our work continued unabated through the Itafari Foundation.  Good and compassionate people stepped up to make a difference.  I am also blessed to call some of some of the finest people I have ever known my friends, though they live 10,000 miles from me. 

Happy New Year.  Be renewed.  Set impossibly high goals – and then work (not hope) to reach them.   Can you imagine what the new year can bring?  I can.  It will bring the extraordinary – and it will be accomplished by you and me.

Why We Fast for Darfur - Days 20 & 21

 

I am finishing up my fast today.  Tomorrow, I’ll slowly begin to add food back into my diet.  For me, the hardest part of this action is over.  For those for whom we fast, it’s not even close.  And that is heartbreaking as I watch the world continue to ignore this genocide.  Not unlike the world ignored the genocide of Rwanda in 1994 – because our media was focused on OJ Simpson.  

On June 17, 1994, over 1,000 reporters waited for Simpson at the police station as our nation watched the circus of Simpson driving down the LA Freeway during a 35 mph low-speed pursuit.  Over twenty helicopters followed the chase.  It was covered live by ABC News anchors Peter Jennings and Barbara Walters for ABC’s  five newsmagazines, which achieved some their highest-ever ratings that week.  And genocide in Rwanda continued unchecked.

One thousand reporters??!  Where are 1,000 reporters clamoring for more information about Darfur?  About the atrocities committed against the Darfurian people?!  Where is the outrage?  It doesn’t exist.  And the world waits for the crisis to become so big that it can’t be ignored.  And hundreds of thousands or a million more will die.  And the world leaders will turn to Darfur as they finally turned to Rwanda, and Cambodia, and Bosnia, and Armenia and the Nazi Holocaust and …. And say, “We must stop this senseless killing”.  And they will be right.  But they (and we) will be late again.  And rage will fill the souls of those who were left to die unattended as we cared about everything but them.

While my fast ends tonight, and I begin again tomorrow to eat, I will not forget what I learned during these 21 days.  I learned that we are not the first, nor the last to peacefully protest an untenable situation.  That this action is only a step of many that must be taken.  That community comes together and supports one another when given the chance and that this is not the solution, but inevitably only an action in itself.  That action must continue or it is just an exercise.

Tonight I gathered with new friends of StopGenocideNow to discuss the issues of genocide.  Tremendous speakers who shared their wisdom and came to speak on one of the most beautiful days drippy Portland has seen so far this year.  And we shared our faith in being able to make a difference and became a unique community for just today that will grow from this point.

Resources to consider for Darfur:

Save Darfur (non profit organization to help Darfur)

Jewish World Watch (a call to conscience for the Jewish Community for Darfur)

Darfur Scores (Calling on Congress to stop genocide) Divest for Darfur (Sudan Divestment Task Force)

Stop Genocide Now (non profit organization to help Darfur – Organized the Fast Darfur movement for 21 days)

Call 1-800-GENOCIDE (1-800-436-6243) (Updated recordings about what to tell your representatives.  Then it automatically connects you to your representative or the White house – DOES NOT TRACK YOUR NUMBER – SO YOU WON’T BE ADDED TO SOME PHONE LIST - it tallies the NUMBER of calls – and volume matters)

Finally, ending with a quote given to me tonight –

How profound.  But all is not what it seems.  You may never know your affect on others.  But you will always know whether or not it was important enough to do – and the sacrifice will make a difference in the world and make you stronger for the action you took.  

Why We Fast for Darfur - Day 19

 

My fast is quickly coming to a close.  It didn’t feel like that 19 days ago – but my “sacrifice” is only for 3 weeks.  It is truly nothing compared to what those who live day in and day out without food face.  In fact in some ways it feels like a mockery of what they endure.  I have no idea what it’s like not to have food to eat or water to drink.  My denial of food has been very intellectual in the physical sense.  While I’ve eaten nothing in 19 days, it’s only 19 days.  (that STARVING feeling we often feel when we haven’t eaten for hours – is not starvation at all – it’s hunger).   When you fast, you lose hunger pangs.  You’re just empty.  And in this society, that’s not a bad thing at all.  

So I’m empty.  But only of food.  Not of hope or focus or frustration.  I’m full of all of those.  The frustration is obviously with how little attention the media has given this issue.  I mean this sincerely:  shame on the media for not taking up this issue with more interest and care.  I know there are sexier issues, but this ranks at the top of any list.  And the list is tucked away to be replaced with celebrities, politics, and posturing.  It’s so embarrassing to be part of a nation that will not keep its promises to those who have no ability to get help without the world’s focus.  

So I continue – with more than a little bit of frustration.   Note:  right now:  biggest trending topic on Twitter?  Star Trek.  

Monday in Portland, an event called CAMP DARFUR will be happening.  I’ll be there in both the Rwanda tent and then in the Darfur tent.  To answer questions, to tell what I know of what Rwanda looks like as a country whose genocide was ignored.  And to bring encouragement that what each of us can do to make a difference.   Hope to see you there. 

Why We Fast for Darfur - Days 17 & 18

 

It’s Thursday – I’m 3 ½ days from ending my fast.  In some ways not eating has gotten easier, and in some ways more difficult.

Eating for hunger is not an issue.  After just a few days, I wasn’t  hungry.  It’s just that I WANT to eat.  It’s so much a part of this culture.  Meetings are held around food – fundraisers – MEALS (ok – that last example was definitely the FAST brain speaking!) But seriously, it’s everywhere.  And the strangest things trigger the desire for food.  Yesterday I was in a meeting in a bar (nice bar I might add) and there was a bottle of A1 Sauce on the table – cozied up next to a bottle of Heinz 57 Sauce.  I could hardly take my eyes off of them!  And yet I continue because I know this time next week, I’ll have food in my belly once more.

When I think about getting food to the people of Darfur, I know how little it would take to give them nourishment to go on.  And then there’s the issue of water.  Jon Forman who fasted for 3 days on water only just turned the fast over to Peter Gabriel.  In his blog on the 14th he wrote the following:

“I’ve just received word that the Sudanese forces carried out a bombing raid on North Darfur today. And then this: In an IDP camp in west Darfur they ran out of water completely. I feel tremendously sad. Frustrated by the injustices and feeling ridiculously small in the face of it all”

Bombed. Ran out of water completely.  I have no idea what it would feel like to have those experiences.  And unless I’m stranded in Darfur or somewhere that’s been affected by a natural or manmade tragedy, I don’t think I’ll ever know those feelings.  But I’ve learned that I don’t have to relate – I need to respond.  I need to care.  And continue to speak about my desire to see this genocide end.  For only THEN will the world have the desire to help rebuild this part of the world.  

This fast gives me the opportunity to talk about Darfur.  My experience pales in relation to what is happening.  But it is what I can do now.  And for now, I will continue to do what I can, where I am, with what I have, in the time I have left.

Why We Fast for Darfur - Day 15

 

photo credit:  BBC

Some good news and some disheartening news.  Typical in any normal day but the situation in Darfur is far from typical.  Every time we look away, more die and wonder why we didn’t care to do more.  There are grave injustices all over the world, but Darfur must be saved.  

There’s a tough op-ed piece in the New York Post about what President Obama is not doing in the Sudan.  I respect our President very much but admit his response is terribly disappointing.  

On the other hand, one man cannot do it all.  So we must all do what we can.  Richard Branson took over for Mia Farrow when she needed to stop fasting.  Now, Congressman Donald m. Payne, Chairman of the House Subcommittee on Africa and Global Health an outspoken leader in working towards ending the suffering in Darfur and bringing lasting peace to Sudan will be joining the Darfur Fast for Life movement.  Clearly, we are being heard.  Jon Foreman, front-man for multi-platinum rock band Switchfoot is also taking up the cause.  He has been an activist and cares deeply about the Darfur region of Sudan.

Other encouraging news:  Reported by the BBC:   Sudan's government says it will invite new aid groups to work in Darfur and allow those still operating there to expand their activities.

And then there are the rest of us.  No less important, just less visible.  Personally, my fast is going well.  I do not plan to end my fast until the 18th.  Does it matter?  It does, especially to me.  I cannot go to Darfur right now, but I will in the future.  And do what I can to make a difference. 

For now, this makes a difference.  And that’s the good news.

 

Why We Fast for Darfur - Days 13 and 14

 

 photo credit 

I must start this entry with a tribute to my Mother, affectionately known as Dead Rita.  She was magnificent as a mother.  And she was magnificent because she was flawed and did it anyway.  Born in 1931 illegitimate, to a mother who was less than stellar and often unquestionably cruel, she chose not to repeat the sins of her mother.  Dead Rita was talented, beautiful, wise, humble, artistic and wracked with self doubt and fears.  And she did it anyway.  

Stayed in a marriage for 43 years that brought her little joy, raised 3 children to the very best of her abilities, gave more than she received, and was grateful for the love of her children and grandchildren.  She has been gone for 10 ½ years and I think of her every day.  No day is harder than Mother’s Day – I celebrated her every year on this special day with the greatest of joy – she was my hero, the wind beneath my wings, the one person I know who loved me unconditionally and my best friend.  When she died in my arms on October 3, 1998, I felt a grief I could not have anticipated.  Having her die in front of me was heartbreaking and yet, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.  Because I had no regrets.  I had done all I could for her.  

But what if I couldn’t have done that?  What if I couldn’t care for her and get her the medical treatment possible?  What if I couldn’t have fed her?  That instead of dying peacefully in my arms she had died at the hands of a killer, or of a curable disease, or alone?  These questions do not haunt me for her, but they haunt me for the people of Darfur.  

As painful as it is to watch a parent die in this country, I can’t imagine the excruciating mental agony of a child watching their mother die before them with no knowledge of how they will carry on.  It is that vision that keeps me focused and resolved to not eat until May 18, 21 days after I began this fast.  

We continue to fast for Darfur because every human soul deserves the right to live with some basic needs met.  Food, water, safety, a chance to make their way in the world, in whatever way fits their circumstances, their culture, their time.  The people of Darfur barely are surviving.  And have NONE of these basic needs.  So we protest.  And we protest peacefully.  War is not the answer.

Yesterday in my mediation class we had a reading of Thich Nhat Hanh from his book:  Miracle of Mindfulness, A Manual on Meditation.  Thinking of my fast and this work we do to help those who cannot speak for themselves, there was a passage read about a man who was so angry and Nhat Hanh responded peacefully.  I was struck by this because I know I cannot be angry with everyone who doesn’t get it, doesn’t care or thinks I’m crazy to take this action.

Nhat Hanh’s response to this question, “Why not be angry with him, “I asked.  “Even pacifists have a right to be angry.”   He responded:  “If it were just myself, yes.  But I am here to speak for Vietnamese peasants.  I have to show them that we can be at our best.”  (From The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hahn).

He said this at the height of the Vietnam War when he came to the US to speak at churches and any place where people would gather to hear the other side of the story of Vietnam.  A Buddhist Monk.  Who knew he must do what he could, regardless of the outcome.  

That is why we fast for Darfur.  To draw attention to an untenable situation.  And say:  no more.  Stop the killing.  Get more humanitarian aid to people who are starving while we gorge at Mother’s Day buffets (well, not me today – but usually!)

Take Action. 

Fast.  Pray.    Write to the President.  Get involved in your local efforts to draw attention to Darfur.  Give to nationally recognized organizations intent of bring help.  

And be thankful.  For all you have.  For all you will have.  And know you can make a difference.

Why We Fast for Darfur - Day 12

                          (child's drawing of the killer Janjaweed in Darfur)                         photo credit Mia Farrow

I am happy to be in double digits on this fast and for me the end is in sight:  I know that in 9 days it will be over, for me.  

This morning when I was thinking about that I realized that those in Darfur have no end in sight.  No belief that it will ever end.  And they have no idea we weep for them.  Or fear for them.  Or struggle to know if any of this will make a difference.  And as I write this, more than one child has died.  More than one woman has been brutally raped and humiliated.  More than one man has screamed in agony as he dies, unable to protect his family from the Janjaweed and the government backed killings.  As I write this I gasp at the horror of what I’ve written.  And the horror of it reaches my soul.  

I don’t usually write this graphically.  But I’ve seen the poverty in Rwanda, I’ve walked past genocide memorials where there are thousands of bones and skulls stacked neatly representing the dug up mass graves.  I’ve seen the skeletons frozen with lime and the faces of agony in death.  In Israel, I visited Yad Vashem over 25 years ago and saw the aftermath of the Holocaust.  And while seeing is believing, too much of that only causes people to look away.  Which doesn’t help.  So know I come from a place of knowing as well I can, considering I’m a white woman safely living in the U.S., who has seen enough to know we must do more.  I co-founded the foundation for Rwanda because I knew I must do more.  I have traveled to Rwanda six times in 3 1/2 years.

Richard Branson has taken over for Mia Farrow in the FastDarfur campaign.  She can no longer continue due to health reasons.  It is good she is stopping.  Richard Branson will become another spokesperson for this cause.  It is a sacrifice on his part. On the FastDarfur website he states:

“I’m honoured to be taking over the fast for the next three days from Mia Farrow in her courageous stance to support the people of Darfur. Over a year and a half ago, I travelled to Darfur and was horrified by the stories that people of all ages shared with us. Young children had watched their entire family get killed and then had to survive on their own in unimaginable conditions. I was humbled and inspired by the courage of the Darfuri people and the commitment of the aid organisations that were working on the frontlines. Now, with 13 aid organisations expelled from the country, over 1m people are at grave risk. We cannot stand and watch as 1m people suffer. We all need to stand up and demand that international aid is restored and that the people of Darfur are protected and given the chance to live in peace.”

This is not easy and no amount of money makes you feel better when you can’t eat.  And the people of Darfur can’t eat.  And so we stand in solidarity with them.  

To raise our voices and raise awareness.  

Have you been moved to call the White House?  (202)456-1111  Don’t worry if you don’t know what to say.  Say what you believe about the atrocities being committed in Darfur and ask the President to help restore humanitarian aid and end the genocide.  You cannot believe what a difference our calls are making.  My brother called and was told by the operator that they’re getting many many calls and THAT is what it will take:  the American people saying, “Enough”.  (you don’t leave your name – it’s the issues they’re tracking).  If you want to write the White House, go to my blog for Day 11 and get the info.  

Feel uneducated about Darfur?  Watch this 20 minute video on SaveDarfur.org for excellent background and history. Darfur:  A Call to Action – Lessons from Faith Leaders

Why We Fast for Darfur - Day 11

http://www.whitehouse.gov/CONTACT/

LETTER TO PRESIDENT OBAMA SENT TO THE WHITE HOUSE (see link above)

Dear President Obama,

I am now on day 11 of a 21 day fast for Darfur.  Liquids only:  about 400 calories a day.  

I'm not sure what an activist is supposed to look like, but I never thought it would be me.  I can step aside no longer.

I'm a 51 year old professional woman who is moved to ask you to change the atrocities being committed in Darfur.  I co-founded the Itafari Foundation for the people of Rwanda and have spoken at the United Nations about our need to help those who have been ignored and abused.  Darfur continues to be the reality that nothing is truly being done.  

In addition to running a Foundation with no financial gain or recompense for my expenses or actions, I am an executive coach and international speaker.  My topic and passion:  communication and leadership.

I believe in you and ask for your focus and the focus of the Administration on this issue.  Please.  But I'm also a pragmatic businesswoman who knows this is not just a phone call or a speech.  Please put resources towards getting the humanitarian groups back into the Darfur region, and then, end this genocide.

Working in Rwanda teaches me that if action is not taken, we will look back and regret what we did not have time to correct.  

You can read more about my fast at:  http://victoriatrabosh.com/blog

To read more about the work in Rwanda, http://itafari.org

Thank you Mr. President.  I know you can do this.

Sincerely,

Victoria H. Trabosh

 

 

Why We Fast for Darfur - Day 10

 

 

Had “lunch” today with an 87 year old dear friend of mine.  We’ve been friends for well over 20 years and get together for lunch about monthly.  We were scheduled to get together last Wednesday but I was only 3 days into my liquids only fast (about 400/cal/day) and I didn’t want to push my resolve too far.  Today, when my office manager told him I was still not eating, he wanted to cancel.  But I insisted we get together.  He’s very aware of world affairs, Jewish, and connected in the world.  He and friends at the retirement home where he lives sponsor children through the Itafari Foundation which I co-founded.  (Imagine:  Jewish elders in our community helping children of a genocide – they get it).  

But his fear was for my health.  And also he feared it wouldn’t make a difference.  Fair concerns.  The eating one is not difficult.  As I told him:  the MINUTE I’m not well I can eat.  Or seek medical care.  Or rest.  Basically, get well soon.  Not so for those with whom we stand in solidarity.  They don’t feel well – they can starve, become violently ill, possibly die, and then leave a trail of tears.  It is for them I resist the desire to eat anything.  Will I make it 21 days?  We’ll see.  I’ve gone 17 in the past.

His other fear:  will it make a difference?  Eighty seven years of life give him tremendous perspective.  He knows how hard it is to change people.  And to change a nation?  It will take the collective focus of our President and the Executive Branch and the people who fight the good fight.   I truly appreciate Mia Farrow making this an issue and a focus.  She sees atrocities and knows action is required.  What is required of us?  Whatever we can do.

1.    Fast for a Day.
2.    Fast for 21 Days.
3.    Symbolically give up food for a meal – and remember why you’re doing it.
4.    Call the White House and ask President Obama to do more:  202-456-1111
5.    Donate to the cause:  www.SaveDarfur.org is one of my favorites, but there are many – look them up on Google
6.    Educate yourself. Book suggestion:  Not on Our Watch:  The Mission to End Genocide in Darfur and Beyond (authors Don Cheadle and John Prendergast)

A dear friend, Nancy Grant, who is also fasting with me, came up with these reminders of what this can mean here in the U.S. to fast.  (a bit more lighthearted but only because the issues are so grave – I actually think they’re also excellent!) Because this only works if it works at all levels.
•    Money savings - I don't buy groceries, go out to eat, or grab an occasional latte.  I'm not using the stove or dishwasher so save gas, electricity and water.
•    Time savings - I don't grocery shop, cook, or exercise.
•    Losing those last 10 pounds I've been wanting to lose for a year or two.

So we continue.